No Nourishment, No Lotus
I really sat with my intention. Found a beautiful venue. Spent HOURS creating the webpage. And put down a large deposit.
But there were no bookings for my upcoming Costa Rica retreat scheduled for next month.
With a heavy heart, I cancelled it to avoid further financial loss. Stings of disappointment, sadness, self-doubt, confusion, and anxiety came up. I LOVE my work, believe in it, and want to share it with the world. Isn't this what I'm meant to be doing with my life?
Although the world situation likely had an influence on the lack of retreat sign-ups, I wasn't convinced it was the only reason. After my reactions subsided, I allowed my perspective to widen. Maybe there's something I don't know. Maybe there's something I need to look at. Maybe I'm meant to go to Costa Rica for other reasons.
I set up a family constellation on my own to have a deeper look. Holding space to bring in whatever may be unconscious (or hidden) to the conscious (the surface). The context of the 'knowing field' (energy field) was: myself, the retreat, and how we were relating to each other. When I represented myself, I was aware of the retreat standing near me, but my attention was elsewhere. When I represented the retreat, it had the felt sensations of a neglected child.
What insight! It was true. Though I had planted the seed of the retreat, I had not consistently tended to it. My attention to it was sporadic and usually more 'doing' energy than nurturing energy. Of course I cared about the retreat and wanted it to bloom, but I can readily recall my own excuses the past several months. "I'll take care of it later. I'm busy. It's on my mind, but I don't have time right now. I'm overwhelmed with other things, but I intend to get to it. It's fine; I don't need to worry about it."
Wait a minute! This is exactly my attachment style—the anxious-avoidant. Ack!
I wonder why and how I expected the retreat to go from A to Z while bypassing all the steps in between. I know this isn't how it works and even sensed it all along. Still, I somehow ended up with the outcome of: "Oh no, it's too late to save this." (In fact, this is how I used to treat my houseplants— avoidance, inattention, and underwatering— to anxious, overwatering, and trying everything to save it from my neglect.) :P
My hope for my next retreat is that I'll catch any slips of inattention a bit more quickly and be able to pace it with better nourishment. In the past, I've had an object to represent my retreat and placed it on my home altar. Then I'd greet it every day, tune in to how it was doing, meditate with it. It became a practice of being present, offering gentle guidance when needed, and cultivating secure attachment.
When we build a relationship with anything, it will build a relationship with us! This includes your ancestors, your guides, nature, animals, etc. When we "birth" a new project, work on something that is a "labor of love", or create something to "bring to fruition," we become the parent of that 'baby' as it comes into life. How we treat our child and what we give (or don't give) into the relationship will start to become recognizable in how the child will turn out. Aho!
Here's to nourishing all our relationships for 2022!
LAST CALL FOR SANTA CRUZ!
I'm truly grateful for the past 9 months living in beautiful Santa Cruz. (Nine months?! What am I about to birth??) As I re-assessed my needs for 2022, I came up with: a shorter commute to visit my elderly mom every week (currently 3 hours each way on public transport); a more affordable cost of living; more personal and professional relationships with the BIPOC community— all while still being within walking distance to nature. In a span of a week, I randomly met two different people from Alameda— a small town (and an island!) close to San Francisco, California. I then remembered a friend who lived there and visited last week. It sealed the deal, and I'll be moving there in March!
I've truly loved working with my Santa Cruz clients/students. This is what I'll miss the most. I appreciate all of you, your warm energy, and bless you on your path. Hope that we'll continue to stay connected.
Through the end of January, spots are still available for:
online TRE classes (Mondays @ 5:30 pm & Thursdays @ 9 am PST)
in-person/ online private TRE
in-person/online 1:1 family constellation sessions
Movement, Meditation, and Spiritual Blessings, an Airbnb Experience in Santa Cruz
I'll be taking a break (and a breathwork training) during the month of February. I will then restart my online services in March. Be well, Tammy